Dismissive Avoidant - Breaking down Attachment Styles

Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style

How this Attachment Style developed

This Attachment style developed as a result of neglect. There are four different types of neglect: emotional, physical, medical & educational neglect.

Typically a Dismissive Avoidant is neglected mostly in the "emotional" area, however all areas can and do contribute to this attachment style. Many DA's find it difficult to understand how they have been negatively affected by their childhood as they minimise and dismiss their own suffering, and yet intuitively feel their inability to connect emotionally with other and with themselves.

Most believe their childhood was relatively good or normal in comparison to those who were blatantly abused. Emotional neglect can very easily fall below the radar and is often by society, & more specifically males, deemed a weak and unimportant aspect of "self", as a general rule.

Often you'll hear society say things such as, "man-up", "boys / big girls don't cry", or, "emotions make you weak". Society will commonly rationalise the dismissal of emotions and deem overly dramatic temper tantrums and loud cries as bad behaviour which deserve to be "punished".

Unfortunately, this Attachment Style never grew up with parents who fulfilled their responsibilities in teaching or showing their children the ways of the world or bonded with them on an emotionally fulfilling level. These children never got to explore themselves fully, as they are, or how they fit into the world.

Instead they grew up in a world where they were deeply neglected and an intrinsic part of who they are was rejected, dismissed and often actively "Judged" or "shamed" by their parents.

A neglect of their emotional needs led this Attachment Style to develop the understanding that "emotions" are an un-important aspect of self and therefore learned to suppress this part of who they are. But this is what creates the disconnect between themselves and others.

Emotions are a very important aspect of our being and act as messengers of our personal truth, they are effectively a feedback mechanism guiding us to vital information about painful stories we tell ourselves about ourselves and the world, and what we want, need or desire for fulfilment; much likened to a satnav made specifically for our own lives, directing us to the real truth of who we really are and what we're capable of.

However through this continuous process of rejection, judgement and shame DA's become identified with the core belief "there is something inherently wrong with me" making this a foundational belief that they live their lives by.. perpetually cycling in and out of a deep seated shame and a consistent need to "hide" their true selves away - This is also known as "defectiveness schema".

In an attempt to cope with the perception that their emotional needs are shameful, and therefore they are shameful for having emotional needs, they unconsciously dissociate from their emotions as a whole. As a by-product of this depth of dissociation they lack the fundamental ability to connect with others on an emotional level.

They somewhat live in an emotion / vulnerability free bubble that acts as a barrier to:

1. prevent emotions from leaving; and

2. prevent emotions from coming in.

This is their safety guard and can be quite literally felt as an energetic wall or barrier.

DA's learned that in order to be safe in the world they had to protect themselves and take care of their own needs. Conditioning them with a painful belief that they are alone and are responsible for themselves. Leaving them to also believe that others are also responsible for their own needs as well, and that they themselves should not be depended upon. This is a very hyper-independent, disconnected and lonely way to live.

The quote "It's a Dog eat, Dog world" comes to mind.

Even the thought of being emotionally connected and dependent on someone else will trigger their fight or flight response. With the DA typically responding with an extreme need to flee, the DA will attempt to run from emotional connection.

However, when you look closely, it's not connection or dependency on another they are running from, it is the uncomfortable feeling of being "unsafe" and the underlying fears that emotional connection and dependency bring to the surface, such as shame and rejection, that they are trying to run from.

10 Common personality traits of the Dismissive Avoidant

1. Very guarded or closed of, may come across as cold or standoffish and seem hard to read;

2. When socialising, they like to keep things light and will often avoid deep emotional conversations;

3. Enjoy intellectual connection and prefer to connect over sharing thoughts and ideas, rather than feelings and emotions;

4. Often engage in superficial/surface level relationships/situationships that they tend to move on quickly from and have not likely had many serious relationships;

5. May experience irritability, frustration, restlessness or similar emotions quite frequently;

6. Not emotionally available for other people and tend to be more self-focused appearing strong and independent - however, they do place a strong value on friendships;

7. Conflict avoidant, may stonewall or shut-down in an attempt to avoid conflict, especially in romantic relationships;

8. Tend to spend a lot of time indulging in creature comforts such as video games, movies, watching tv, reading books etc;

9. Can be quite blunt, sarcastic, or come across as passive-aggressive;

10. Can deal with pressure quite well, because they tend to be quite grounded, practical and quick to find solutions - they operate more in their headspace than their heart space.

5 Common signs of the Dismissive Avoidant

1. Commitment phobic, fear losing their independence or becoming trapped;

2. Are sensitive to criticism and will likely shut down (by withdrawing) if they feel criticised;

3. Strong need to pull away or shut down when overwhelmed with their feelings & can suffer with "shame/vulnerability hangovers";

4. Can be difficult to get to know and may appear "mysterious", they may keep their life private as-well as keep their personal belongings to themselves and not want to share;

5. Struggle with emotions, their own as-well as other peoples, may even appear as judgmental towards emotions as a whole.

The core Wounds that built the Dismissive Avoidant

There's something wrong with me aka I am defective

Due to the fact that an intrinsic part of their being (their emotions) has been shamed and rejected.

I am unsafe

Due to the fact that DA's feel safer when they are not emotionally attached to anybody (Taking care of themselves is a natural comfort zone for them), the idea of somebody coming in and taking care of them is a terrifying thought for a DA.

As is the idea of allowing somebody in close enough to see their "flaws" or the aspects that they believe are defective.

They also feel "unsafe" during conflict as criticism hurts a DA quite badly. They have not had healthy conflict resolution modelled to them and vulnerability can feel terrifying for them.

I'm not good enough

Due to the belief they feel they have to be different to who they are in order to be accepted, valued, and loved.

I will be trapped

Due to the fact they spent their whole lives learning how to cope by being alone, self-soothing, and not engaging in emotional connection, the idea of somebody infringing on this need for space or independence will make them feel trapped.

I am helpless

Due to the idea that they don't know how to show up in relationships as a "good partner", or know how to navigate conflict, leaves them with a feeling of helplessness - they often experience thoughts like "why bother", "I can't do this", or "relationships aren't meant for me".

I am weak

Due to them growing up perceiving vulnerability, emotions, and needing others as a sign of weakness. They believe that they shouldn't "need" anyone or that anyone shouldn't "need" them.

I am powerless

Due to their belief that emotions make them weak - if they do end up feeling loving emotions towards someone, it leaves them with a sense of powerlessness over their emotions (usually a DA has a lot of control over their emotions and can stop themselves from getting attached).

I am alone/abandoned (although this is very unconscious to a DA, and they may even deny they feel this):

Due to the fact they spend their life living hyper-independently, not allowing themselves to accept support, care or love, - they actively deny themselves of this - deep down they perceive themselves to be "alone" or "abandoned".

6 Triggers of the Dismissive Avoidant

Infringement on their space

DA's don't have a lot of energy to expend on people, so connecting or engaging with others actually takes away from what little energy reserves they have. It can somewhat feel like a chore

They cope with life by falling into their creature comforts, this is what feels safe to them and they like to do this without feeling the need to engage with or answer to others. It's how they decompress from their day to day life or any type of stress for that matter. It's quite literally how they refill their energy tanks.

DA's actually need their space. They can find it quite disrespectful when others violate this need.

Pressure

Pressure brings up a lot of fears for the DA, so if they feel pressured to open up or be vulnerable, this will trigger them to feel unsafe, weak, trapped, and also afraid of being controlled.

Their fear of being controlled stems from a fear of loosing their independence aka "sense-of-self".

DA's have grown up taking care of themselves, they want their freedom, they want to have control over themselves and to take care of themselves. This gives them a sense of safety, therefore, anybody who poses a threat to this will trigger a DA to feel "unsafe" and "trapped".

DA's can be quite rebellious to the idea of being trapped or controlled. They will often implement strong boundaries by actively stonewalling aka creating space between you and them. A DA will expect that their action will speak for itself.

Some of the ways a DA can experience pressure can be through pressure to be open or vulnerable, pressure to make commitments, pressure to give, or some sort of requirement that feels like a loss of their independence and freedom.

Expectations

If the DA feels they are expected to show up a certain way, this will trigger their fears around feeling "Incapable" or defeated.

They often try to give their partners what they want and need however, sometimes the way in which a DA will pour into their partner does not align with what their partner is actually asking for.

This triggers them to feel defeated as they are unable to navigate the challenging waters of conflict resolution and relationships.

This is merely a miscommunication between the DA and their partner but will undoubtedly leave the DA feeling like they can't get it right so "why bother" - "I am incapable".

Volatility

DA's value safety most in relationships, in the form of harmony, predictability & consistency - volatility goes against these needs as volatility can be quite unpredictable and hostile, triggering the DA to feel really unsafe.

Criticism

Criticism really hurts a DA, they may not seem bothered by criticism on the outside but on the inside they can feel quite a lot of shame.

Criticism stems right back into their childhood where they were often shamed by their parents.

They take criticism personally and this will often trigger their " I am defective" core wound, making the DA want to hide themselves away.

Conflict

DA's never had healthy modelling for conflict, they assume that any type of conflict means a complete ending to the entire relationship. They believe that conflict is unresolvable and have developed a sense of learned helplessness around it.

They struggle to find the good that can come from conflict and have yet to experience how conflict can actually deepen the bond within their relationships.

They are also not only uncomfortable feeling their own feelings and have a hard time trying to make sense of what's going on internally for them, but the idea that they are responsible for somebody else's emotional state can feel like an overwhelming pressure to them. This is because of their inability to co-regulate with their partners.

Co-regulation is the process where two individuals can help each other regulate their emotions and manage stress effectively.

This causes the DA to avoid conflict and create space between themselves and their partner the very moment conflict arises.

Deactivating for the Dismissive Avoidant

Activating & Deactivating Strategies

Activating or deactivating strategies are a triggered response to a perceived threat of ones safety or survival in relation to their attachment.

It sounds dramatic and yet something that can be so minor to one person can really feel like a safety threat to another, especially when they have been wounded in a certain place within.

For a DA their fear of conflict - for Ex. - really does feel like an incredibly unsafe situation and they will absolutely run as far away from it as they can possibly get.

This isn't some made up justification to excuse "bad" behaviour, this is a real internal threat being perceived internally by the DA.

Notice how I said "perceived" threat, it only takes the mind to "perceive" a threat in order to activate the nervous systems fight or flight response. The body will respond to a perceived threat as if it were to come up against a real life threatening situation, such as coming face to face with a lion, for Ex.

And that's what an activating or deactivating strategy is. It's a nervous system response that activates ones fight or flight response. Without the persons conscious control or awareness of it. The DA simply responds.

What is Deactivating

Deactivating is a subconscious strategy used by the DA to protect themselves by minimising their need for their partner aka creating emotional, physical or mental space between themselves and their partner.

A DA will deactivate whenever they are feeling "unsafe" or triggered, as a way to cope with this feeling and to regain a sense of safety and comfort.

Because the DA learnt to cope with their childhood trauma or neglect by choosing not to need their parents or caregivers and instead developed a sense of hyper-independence, this becomes their coping strategy throughout relationships, especially whenever they feel they have a need, which we all do when we are feeling unsafe or in pain.

Rather than communicating their needs to their partner - because they have a subconscious belief that that their needs are not worthy of being met, will result in conflict, or generally just be rejected - they retract their natural desire to turn to their partner and instead withdraw into themselves to meet their own need, using deactivating strategies as a tool to do this.

Momentarily this gives the DA some form of relief, however, over long periods of time this can become very painful because it subconsciously re-affirms to them that they are alone and defective, thus continuing a life without a truly fulfilling connection where somebody is able to pour into them in a way that they feel truly valued and loved.

This can look like deactivating thinking in the form of finding flaws or reasons why your relationship won't work, and why your relationship is not right for you, you may even question if you truly love your partner or if your feelings are genuine, until enough space and therefore sense of safety has been established, allowing the DA's nervous system to regulate back to its normal function.

Deactivating Strategies

Deactivating thoughts

DA's have constant deactivating thoughts because in one hand as human beings we are wired for love and connection, so we subconsciously seek this out, and yet in the other hand the dismissive avoidant has also been subconsciously programmed to see love and connection as bad or unsafe.

So they have competing needs that cause the dismissive avoidant to operate in a feelings minus their fears state (as Thais Gibson likes to say) which means that their thinking matches their competing needs energetically.

This can manifest as the DA kind of wanting the relationship but kind of doubting it to at the same time. The doubting of the relationship happens on a thought level where they may question the relationship as a whole, whether they want it or need it, whether they have what it takes, they may think thoughts like "why bother" if they believe they aren't a good partner, or that the relationship will fail.

They have an extensive internal battle that happens in their mind which can be quite painful for the DA because what their heart desires and what they believe about themselves and relationships are in competition with one another.

The doubting of the relationship can result in DA's really believing they don't want or need love. Their unconscious painful thought patterns are continuously reaffirming and associating negatively with the concept of love and relationships.

This is something the DA is not choosing for themselves, instead these thoughts are "thinking" them. They are unconscious, autopilot thinking patterns.

Flaw Finding

When a DA is getting to know someone they tend to find or pick up on flaws in the other person and can really invest in those flaws.

The flaws can be very small such as, not spelling correctly or grammar issues, to very big incompatibility flaws such as wanting different things in life.

This strategy of flaw finding partnered up with deactivating thoughts really keeps the dismissive avoidant from allowing themselves to get close to the individual and keeps them at a safe distance.

In the case of longer relationships where the DA has built somewhat of a stable relationship the DA can invest in their partners flaws whilst thinking about their previous partner aka "the phantom ex" putting their ex on a pedestal and romanticising over their past relationship whilst minimising their need for current their partner- even if their past relationship was not that great and their are no genuine feelings for the ex.

The phantom Ex or fantasising over Fictional Characters

When the DA is feeling as though they cannot get their needs met through their current partner, usually because the DA has not communicated their needs, they tend to reminisce on their previous relationships where they got certain needs met, or they can create fantasies in their mind of fictional characters, even famous people who represent certain traits and in the fantasy they may act out scenarios where they get their needs met.

Here are 5 more common deactivating strategies of the Dismissive Avoidant:

Fear based

This is when the DA and a romantic partner begin getting close, opening up about feelings, getting vulnerable, sharing deep and personal information about themselves, talks of commitment, etc - this triggers all the fears the DA has in association to what love feels like for them. This causes the DA to want to pull away because something doesn't feel good to them internally. Even if the DA had a really good time connecting and is enjoying this experience they can respond to it with shame/vulnerability hangovers.

Sadness based

When the DA is feeling a general sense of pressure or stress within their own lives, or they're maybe going through a bit of a depressive stage, their emotional bandwidth becomes really shrunken, causing them to be even less emotionally available than before. DA's usually cope with stresses by supressing their problems. They are constantly pushing things down rather than processing or solving their problems, as a way to get by. This takes away from the DA's energy resources because they're already coping with so much that they pull away because they don't have the energy to give. This can be quite a pervasive deactivating space for a DA to be in as a whole. They experience a lot of shame during these cycles and so don't want their partners or romantic interests to see them in their shame and will pull away also to avoid feeling the core wound "something is wrong with me".

Self-protection based

If the DA feels hurt by a situation, such as feeling criticised, misunderstood, feels trapped in volatility, or any other form of hurt, the DA will pull away until they feel as though the coast is clear and they are safe enough to re-enter the dynamic.

Anger/resentment and spite

Because the dismissive avoidant has a subconscious belief that even if they communicate their needs to loved ones they still wont get their needs met, they end up building up resentment due to a mounted number of unmet needs that the DA never actually communicated to their partner about in the first place. Sometimes the DA will pull away or show passive aggressive types of behaviours to take their power back or as a by product of not communicating their needs. If this continues for a long time the DA can wind up calling the relationship off.

Self avoidance/feeling avoidance

This happens when the DA is actively trying not to feel their own feelings for whatever reason, they might be going through life stresses or other challenges which cause the DA to become even more cold and standoffish than usual, which bleeds directly into romantic relationships as they disconnect from others as well.

The core needs of the Dismissive Avoidant

Whenever we have an unmet need we experience a negative emotional association which serves as a feedback mechanism to inform us of our unmet need, so that we can go and meet our need.

Often when we are triggered in our relationships it is because we have an unmet need and usually we have a wounded belief about getting this need met, which creates a lot of discomfort in our relationship and contributes to all kinds of problems.

Safety/Stability/Support

These were not things that DA's received as children so there is still a big void in this area. DA's love to feel these needs met in a consistent manner and this helps to create a lasting foundation in the relationship with the DA.

Autonomy

DA's need their sense of freedom and independence, to make their own choices and to avoid the feeling of being trapped or controlled by their partner.

Joy/Playfulness

DA's love light hearted fun and joyfulness in relationships, they love to relax in the moment with their partner and don't like to take things to seriously or get too deep.

Harmony

DA's love a sense of cooperation in a relationship, they love the feeling of being able to work together to get over problems and challenges and knowing their partner is participating in their lives.

Acknowledgement/Appreciation Because DA's have strong feelings of shame and feel they are defective at their core, these needs help the DA to feel accepted and loved as they are, with their flaws included, this need can really help the DA to open up and create a deep bond. They also really want to show up for their partners especially when their hard work is acknowledged and noticed.

Compassion/Comfort

This is alongside the need to feel accepted, it leaves the DA feeling at ease and harmony.

Communication Style

Indirect Communication

DA's can be very indirect when they communicate, they think that what they are communicating is obvious when in reality its not obvious at all. For Ex. when trying to connect with someone because maybe they miss them and haven't spoken for a while they might text them and say "hey", and expect for the person to know that means they miss them.

They also use indirect communication because they are being pulled in two different directions, they want connection but at the same time they fear it, so they don't want to make any commitments to anything until they themselves are 100% certain. They have an extensive internal battle between their feelings minus their fears which can show itself when trying to make plans with a DA.

For Ex, you may ask the dismissive avoidant a very direct question such as, "hey, are we still on for tonight" and they may respond very indirectly saying something like, "I'm just out at the moment" and not actually answer your question at all.

Stonewalling

This is a protective mechanism the DA embodies because they feel uncomfortable feeling their own feelings and other peoples feelings.

Often the subconscious mind will associate people who are catalysts for our pain as the cause of our pain, even though this is not true. People are showing us the parts of ourselves that are unhealed or wounded.

Relationship to Boundaries

Dismissive Avoidants will typically enforce really big boundaries through their actions by creating space between you and them. Sometimes they can go weeks without speaking to you - depending on the depth of your relationship of course. For more serious relationships, this gap can be at least 3/4 days at a time.

They don't do so well at setting small or "in the moment" boundaries. That's why they opt for bigger boundaries. This is because they fear conflict and do not know how to communicate effectively.

For Ex. DA's would rather cancel a whole get together and say something like "Something came up", make up an excuse, or even ghost the person, over communicating their honest truth, such as, I'm not in the mood for entertaining anyone this evening and would really like to be in my own space.

Or even better! - sticking to their agreed plan but changing it slightly to suit their needs and communicating something along the lines of "I'm a little tired this evening, you could come over but I really need to relax and take it easy because I'm feeling tired".

Out of all the insecure attachment styles, DA's typically are the better boundary setters, but it's important to know that the boundaries they set are usually coming from a survival needs place, rather than a self-loving and empowered place.

Healing the Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style

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