The very real impact of Attachment

As new born babies, one of the first things doctors do is place us on the chest of our mothers. Why do they do this?..

Because it increases our survival rate.

The moment a baby can feel the connection between themselves and their mother, the babies:

• breathing and heart rate will begin to regulate;

• they will begin to feel calm and safe;

• will start to wake up and make movements in a state of relaxation;

• are provided with skin protection from bacteria and infections;

• digestion is stimulated, creating a desire to start feeding;

• their body temperature stabilizes; and

So many more benefits that increase their chances of adapting to the world and surviving in it.

But this connection goes both ways. The mother also experiences benefits, such as:

• improved breast milk stimulation;

• likely to have reduced post-partum bleeding;

• lower risk of depression;

• stimulate the hormone oxytocin (love hormone) and reduces cortisol (stress hormone);

• increase in her body temperature to keep her baby warm; and

Like baby, many more benefits.

This speaks volumes on the importance and power of connection. Being attached, and connected is natures work - we actually need it. It is biochemically embedded into the makeup of our existence and without it we can quite literally die.

In the same way a plant needs sunlight, nicely enriched nutrient soil and water to thrive - we humans need to feel connected, a sense of belonging and an environment that we feel safe in, to thrive.

"It is not the seed, but the environment in which the seed is growing"

- Said the Sunflower in full blossom during the cycles of summer.

Our ability to grow in a healthy and vibrant way begins as babies. It begins with the relationship between baby and parent and the nature of the relationship itself.

This process of relationship building is known scientifically as "Attachment Theory".

The first attachment bond we form is with our parent or caregivers. This attachment then sets us up for the rest of our lives and becomes the blueprint for how we "see", "navigate", or "cope" in the world.

The development of Attachment Theory

Attachment theory was originally founded and developed by psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth in the 1960's. And has been further explored and developed since, due to the huge impact on how our attachments affect the overall health and well-being of our lives.

Essentially, it is the theory, or study, relating to the way we emotionally attach and bond to other people.

Attachment theory is comprised of four different "Attachment Styles".

Different in the way that they have different sets of subconscious patterns and belief systems at the core of their identity, which have been imprinted onto people.

Of-course without the persons conscious awareness of it. It's not something they choose it's something that happens to them. And as a result these patterns go on to determine the way these Attachment Styles "understand" their world.

It is the foundation of these belief systems and patterns that wind up causing much chaos and pain within adult relationships. Because each Attachment Style is playing the game of love by a completely different set of rules.

An attachment style begins forming early in childhood, between the ages of 0-2 and continues to develop, and take shape - but can also change, throughout the course of an individual's life.

Usually though, by the time a child reaches the age of 7/8 an Attachment Style has been fully integrated and hardwired subconsciously into the brain. I like to call these Attachment Styles "Reality Filters".

In fact these "Reality Filters" are so profound that they percolate and seep into many, many different areas of our lives - such as our career, finances, physical health, emotional well-being, and so fourth. Transferring then, into the health and longevity of life itself.

"Give me a child until he is 7 and I will show you the man"

- Aristotle

Attachment theory shows us how the attachments we form to our parents or caregivers ends up becoming the very same attachments we form with other individuals, such as, friends, romantic partners, family members, children, and so on.

Our Need To Survive and Thrive: The Aim Of The Game

Attaching to our parents as babies ensures our safety. If we are connected to our parents, and our parents to us, then our chances of survival increase.

As babies, It is our parents that provide us with the things we need for survival. And it is our parents that are supposed to pick up on our subtle cues or attune to our different cries. To know when we are hungry, scared, tired. This is the power of connection. To feed us in the exact ways we need to be fed. And to keep us safe from harm - so we can at least make it into adulthood where we are able to care for ourselves.

Babies are exceptionally vulnerable and cannot live without somebody taking care of them, it is - quite frankly - not possible - therefore, we are the mercy of who ever has the responsibility of taking care of our needs.

Parents have a huge responsibility not only to care for their children, but to raise them in such a way that they can take care of themselves in the best way possible when the time comes.

A child's happiness lies directly in the hands of their parents capacity to attune, provide and care for their children.

Our basic survival needs include things such as food, water, clothes, shelter, protection, to name a few. And as you will see later on, some children barely scrape even the basics.

And Yet..

It doesn't stop there! We also need other things. Things that some others don't usually consider as a "need to survive" - even though they actually are - and some people will completely deny or reject even the idea of these needs;

Needs such as love, connection, nurture, being heard, validated, understood, respected and many, many more..

"Needs" are literally the lifeblood for our human vessels - physical, emotional and mental needs - and yes, these needs DO have an effect on the internal workings of a human beings body, especially the central nervous system and the body's flight or fight response.

" Only one who has been abandoned and left alone in the abyss could possibly understand what that fear feels like internally in that moment. Right? "

It is now understood that brain / heart coherence is the baseline for optimal health. Heath and vibrancy on the mind, body and spirit level ALWAYS starts at the point which your brain and heart are in alignment.

This means that your emotional fulfilment is as equally as important as your perceptual truth and mental health, both influencing and affecting the other - thoughts influencing emotions, emotions influencing thoughts. Both with the potential to cause pain and suffering; or a relief of pain, and a feeling of love and wholeness.

Your belief system - which is at the core of your Attachment Style - will distort your truth.

Your mental health will reverberate through time with the potential to keep you stuck in the past, fearful of the future and can steal you of the present moment.

Your emotional blocks can restrict the flow of life-force energy, vibrancy and the flow of abundance into your life, in all forms.

These aspects of your being WILL manifest into health, or dis-ease on the physical body (depending on the quality of thought and emotion).

A neglect or imbalance of ANY unmet need for prolonged periods of time will shake up your internal system to a high degree. This will then show up behaviourally through addictions, procrastination, isolation and other self-sabotaging behaviours.

In the case of children, attention seeking, rebellious and dramatic showdowns, or for some, a quiet withdrawal will show itself.

You will most definitely know about it.

What is the one thing that has an affect on both the emotional and mental aspects of our being?

- Our attachment and connection with others and the world. Whether or not we feel safe and fulfilled. Whether or not we feel a sense of belonging and purpose.

Whether a child receives their needs and how, is the biggest determining factor in the development of their Attachment Style, and of-course, the overall quality of their life.

It's important to know here, that there are many nuanced factors that play very real and vital roles in the raising of children, and many parents are the subjects of their own conditioned environment's and families that they were raised in.

Poverty is just one way in which a parents ability to provide for their children is compromised, as is a lack of support, single parent families and mental health issues (within the parent themselves), drug addictions, and I'm sure you could throw out a few examples of your own here. Because that's the way of life. A multi-system of unconsciously fear based mentalities and a shitload of dysfunction to operate this reality.

So it's not necessarily fair to play the blame game on parents. Many parents do their best, but function and operate on an unconscious level and are not aware of the depth or importance of effectively connecting or being attuned to their children, or how significant the outcome winds up to be, where there is a lack of care.

Usually parents are perpetuating their own childhood trauma and are living in a constant state of their own suffering, unable to break themselves free.

As important as it is though, to minimise blame, it's equally as important to maximise responsibility for our own life and our own healing. So these generational traumas can eventually fizzle out and cease to exist.

Resulting in new generations of happier, more fulfilled individuals, who are able to tap into their personal power and live a more meaningful and conscious life.

Attachment Styles: Secure Vs Insecure

If a baby had all, or even the majority of their needs met for proper growth, safety, and survival, they would have developed a "Secure" Attachment Style.

However, if a baby was denied, rejected or left alone (for whatever reason) to fend for their own needs (noting here that aside the basic human needs for survival, we all have very different needs depending on our personalities), then the inevitable outcome of an "Insecure Attachment Style" would be created.

As I mentioned earlier, there are four different "Attachment Styles", only 1 of which is secure, the other 3 are insecure.

The rates at which this stands right now, is that the population is around 25% secure, leaving around 75% of us with an insecure Attachment Style.

The 3 insecure Attachment Styles are:

• Anxiously-Preoccupied

• Dismissive-Avoidant

• Fearful-Avoidant aka Disorganised

Before I go into each Attachment Style, I want to touch on a newer, more evolved system, or body of work known as "Integrated Attachment Theory™". This is a fairly new development of work that has been broken down into 6 different components;

• Core Wounds / limiting beliefs;

• Needs and Expectations;

• Emotional Patterns;

• Behaviours / Coping mechanisms;

• Communication Styles; and

• Boundaries

This is the work of a world wide Attachment Theory leader, Thais Gibson - creator of "The Personal Development School™".

What she found after working 1-1 with individuals on their Attachment Styles for over a decade, is that each Attachment Style expressed very similar patterns relating to these specific 6 areas of life (and love), that fit neatly into each of the four different Attachment Styles.

This is also the work I am certified in as an Integrated Attachment Theory™ Coach, and therefore, this is the work I will base my descriptions for each Attachment Style on, below:

Anxiously Pre-occupied

Dismissive Avoidant

Fearful Avoidant

Secure

To be continued...